I'm in a really funky place right now. The last couple of days have been weird, in many ways, and I'm still trying to figure it all out.
There's no good place to begin so I'll just start, although I reserve the right to change topics whenever I see fit.
Two nights ago I had a very vivid dream that woke me up from a deep sleep, about a spirit lifting me up and carrying me thru a house. The dream was so real that when I woke up, I was incredibly scared and thought for sure there was someone in the room with me. I have had incredibly detailed dreams in the past, many of which corresponded with either a death or birth of a loved one. So I was a little shaken yesterday.
Last night, I was at drawing group (I will post the drawings next) and I was chatting with a fellow artist about looking for my own studio space. We had barely spoken a few words before she looked right at me and said "It's not the right time. Your kids are still young. You need to be there. There will be plently of time for you to have your own space. Be with your kids" And I started crying. Because for months now I've been thinking that it's time for me to get my own studio, to start teaching again, to hang my work on some walls and start meeting with clients, feeling like I am wasting away and not living up to my potential. But torn because I really want to be home with my children. It was like she was telling me something that I needed to hear - "Not yet". And for the first time in a while, I let the idea go. I stopped fretting and being anxious about finding a space and just said to myself "Not yet".
Well right before class ended, around 10 pm, I got a text from my mother that my Great Uncle was being taken to the hospital. Within an hour, he passed away from a massive heart attack. So many emotions in such a short time.
Had I dreamt about my Uncle? Was he the one who lifted me up and carried me around in my dream? Was my friend, who told be to "let it go" (in a good way) the one who helped me feel that sense of weightlessness in my dream? I don't know.
What I do think is that sometimes we have to stop focusing so much on what WE want, (and I'm not saying don't have dreams or ambitions or goals), but there are times when it is right to move forward and take a big risk, and times when you need to wait and be there for your kids or your family. If you are not sure, just be ready to listen.