Thursday, December 9, 2010

Draw all you want, but you have to really listen as well

I'm in a really funky place right now.  The last couple of days have been weird, in many ways, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. 

There's no good place to begin so I'll just start, although I reserve the right to change topics whenever I see fit.

Two nights ago I had a very vivid dream that woke me up from a deep sleep, about a spirit lifting me up and carrying me thru a house.  The dream was so real that when I woke up, I was incredibly scared and thought for sure there was someone in the room with me.   I have had incredibly detailed dreams in the past, many of which corresponded with either a death or birth of a loved one.  So I was a little shaken yesterday.

Last night, I was at drawing group (I will post the drawings next) and I was chatting with a fellow artist about looking for my own studio space.  We had barely spoken a few words before she looked right at me and said "It's not the right time.  Your kids are still young.  You need to be there.  There will be plently of time for you to have your own space.  Be with your kids"  And I started crying.  Because for months now I've been thinking that it's time for me to get my own studio, to start teaching again, to hang my work on some walls and start meeting with clients, feeling like I am wasting away and not living up to my potential.  But torn because I really want to be home with my children.  It was like she was telling me something that I needed to hear - "Not yet".  And for the first time in a while, I let the idea go.  I stopped fretting and being anxious about finding a space and just said to myself "Not yet". 

Well right before class ended, around 10 pm, I got a text from my mother that my Great Uncle was being taken to the hospital.  Within an hour, he passed away from a massive heart attack.   So many emotions in such a short time. 

Had I dreamt about my Uncle? Was he the one who lifted me up and carried me around in my dream? Was my friend, who told be to "let it go" (in a good way) the one who helped me feel that sense of weightlessness in my dream?   I don't know. 

What I do think is that sometimes we have to stop focusing so much on what WE want, (and I'm not saying don't have dreams or ambitions or goals), but there are times when it is right to move forward and take a big risk, and times when you need to wait and be there for your kids or your family.  If you are not sure, just be ready to listen. 


Kelly said...

HI Kristina,
I'm new to your blog, but I am so thankful I found you! Your work is outstanding - I love love love it!
And I was saddened to hear about your uncle and also about the way you have been feeling with the kid vs. artwork thing too.

I am also a mom (my daughter is 2.5 yrs old) and I have only recently started learning how to balance the the kid with some artwork. I had every single feeling you spoke of and more. I have learned that I NEED time to do my artwork in order to stay sane, calm, and happy. I am a better mom if I am happy in my soul. Yes, when the kids are young, they do need us there. But there is nothing wrong with working on your art, whenever you can (naps, early mornings, late evenings, etc!) I have scaled back my artwork some, but that I am still doing it is what keeps me happy!

Does all this rambling make sense?? Yes, there will be more time in the future, but try to take time for yourself too. Your kids will benefit from it, in your happiness and it will spur their creativity.

I am sorry to hear about your uncle. It must've been him in your dream.

Best wishes~

Cindy Ellison said...

Kristina, it was sad to read about your great uncle passing away. I do think dreams are so "telling". I agree with the advice of your fellow artist. When you get older, you will realize how quickly the time passed that was spent raising your children. Looking back, the time spent raising my daugher is but a flash. You will never regret a second spent with your children.

About having your own studio space somewhere, there's nothing like being able to just walk into another room (or corner) to work in your own home.

You are one of the most talented artists ever!

Crystal Cook said...

First of all I'm very sorry about your uncle. I hope you're feeling some peace now. Second, I'm in love with your work and have been feeling so inspired with seeing everything that you do. You have incredible talent.

And last, but probably most important, thank you for this heartfelt, honest post. I'm a mother of three young kids and lately I feel like I've been to absorbed in 'me'. My goals, my ambition, my success. And I hate it. But over CHristmas I realized something, that I WANT to be at home with them more than I want to be a successful artist. So, I'll still be painting, still making art, but I'm not going to obsess about success anymore.

You said everything I needed to hear. Thank you. :)

Krystyna81 said...

Kelly Cindy and Crystal,

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, letting me know that I am not alone in this struggle for balance. I appreciate so much that you are sharing your own experiences as well. As artists one thing we strive to do is create works where the viewer can share emotions, and universal thoughts and experiences. Yet at the same time, there are moments where we feel isolated and frustrated - that our struggle to create is not understood or appreciated by anyone.

Your posts are so importantant to me, and I sincerely thank you for letting me know that I am not alone as I try to balance "mom" and "artist". As we face the new year, I hope we can all continue to find our balance, our voices as artists and as parents. Because you are all correct - the time is precious, we are better parents if we are well balanced parents, and there will be time to be a success.

All the best to you and your families in 2011!

Tahirih Goffic said...

Thank You!! Sometimes we need to be artists moms are so torn in half sometimes!