The Most Influential Woman of the Decade (as decided by Me at my kitchen table)

Hey, it could be worse.  I could have made the decision in my bathroom.  But the real truth is I made the decision on naming this person The Most Influential Woman of the Decade in my most sacred place...in my studio, in front of my easel.

Way back in 2009 (holy cow why does it feel like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once?!?) I wrote my first brief blog post about Heather and her blog.  A couple years later, Heather wrote a post about a portrait that I sent - unsolicited - to her of her daughter.

When Heather, aka Dooce, shared that watercolor portrait on her blog...it was...not an exaggeration...life changing.

You see, the actual act of creating that portrait and sending it out to Heather went against the grain of every thing in my life at that point.  I was not in a situation that nurtured chance, risk, or anything out of the Perfect Picture of Domestic Life that was The Goal.

It was profane, almost.  Like that sexy novel hidden among the self help books on my nightstand. I sent the portrait to Heather in secret.  I didn't tell anyone I was doing it.  I was ashamed at my inner voice, telling me to Paint it, and Send it.  It was - truly - the first time in a long time that I didn't care what my close circle would say - I only cared about what my heart told me to do.

And Heather could not have been more generous with her kindness, and her platform.  By sharing that portrait on her blog, she introduced thousands of people to my work, and many became patrons, and for that I am truly grateful.  It set my business on a course that allowed me to nurture myself as an artist, and nurture my children because I was in a good place as well.

Over the years, we collaborated on a few other pieces, and I was inspired by many of her photographs which led to a series of some of my all time favorite portraits.

Divorce happened, in her life and in mine, and I cannot imagine what it was like for Heather to share that with her audience on her blog.  I very rarely talk about mine - even though I would like to share more -  because I cannot talk about the impetus for change and growth without talking about the catalyst for it.  And, like other conscientious parents out there, I am aware that my children will always be half of me, and half of their dad, and if I insult or disparage either one of us, I'm hurting them as well. 

But I will say this...when I was pretty much at the bottom, when I thought nothing good was coming down the pipe again...I heard from Heather.

Heather reached out to me in the sweetest way, wanting to create something special to honor the Cowboy (you can read her own words about him here).

What Heather doesn't know, is that she saw me, she sought me out, when I felt the most lost, forgotten, and invisible.

I was at a point when I felt like Damaged Goods.  I had been battling false police reports, lies to DFCS, having my children removed based on false statements made by a person I removed from my life YEARS before because I knew she was Toxic...holy cow.  I was Unseen.  Unloved.  Unwanted...by the people I spent my whole life trying to please with every fiber of my being.

But in the midst of this...Heather reached out.  She not only hired me to create - she shared it again with her Tribe.

She believed in me, and shouted it from her keyboard.

Do you have any idea what that means to someone?

Do you have any idea how life affirming that was?

Do you have any idea how powerful she is...to remind me that I am Worthy of praise.  That what I do matters.  That I made a positive impact on her life.

And this past December, she reached out to me again, for another covert operation: capturing the children of the Cowboy, for his birthday.

Heather has faith in people.  She believes they are capable.  She believes in their minds, their creativity, their decision making process.  She has never micro-managed me as an artist, but has always responded with enthusiasm for the choices I have made on my canvas.

That is rare.  I know...I've worked with thousands of wonderful clients.  And this amount of Trust has only appeared a few times.

Heather has a belief, and a trust, in me that is incredibly precious to me.

The portraits that I created of two of her boyfriend's children are two of my all time favorites.  They were done in a limited palette, a very timeless almost sepia-toned range of browns with a touch of black.  Based on Heather's photos, they were casual, sweet, and done with a great deal of Love.

And I will never show you.

But I will tell you...Heather hired me to create these beautiful pieces right before the Holiday.  She paid me a deposit immediately.  And that deposit helped me have one of the best Christmas Holidays I have had with my family in years.  We're not talking a huge amount...but the amount I needed to buy a few gifts without using my credit card and feed my family and spend the quality time with them we all deserved.  It was the first time I had both of my kids for Christmas in four years.  And Heather helped make it amazing.

I wrote this on my blog way back in 2012...

As a writer, Heather puts herself out there, in front of millions of people every day.  Without shying away from the harsh realities in her life, she shares her joy and sorrow with her fans and followers.  Her bravery is inspiring.  As an Artist, I hope I am following that lead, and sharing a bit of myself with every drawing or painting I share with you.  We both know that not everything will be rewarded, but more often criticized, and yet we are compelled to do it anyway.

I went through the harshest period of my life a couple years ago.  I was afraid to even leave my house for a while.  I was silenced.  I was erased from my son's life for a period of time.  I was eliminated by family members.

But throughout all of that, I discovered what true Kindness is.  I discovered how special it was to be lifted up by another.  I realized how powerful it is to be Seen.  To be Heard.  To be Trusted.

As I stood in front of my easel on the last day of 2019, working on two of my favorite portraits of all time, I realized that Heather has meant more to me these last ten years than most people will ever know.  While her love life is reduced to internet fodder and her medical issues are another reason for small minded people to Judge What They Do Not Understand, I was one of the lucky ones behind the scenes, being Seen.  Being Heard.  Being Trusted.

At a time when I felt silenced in more ways than one, Heather shined a light on my strengths and my potential, and she helped me find my way back to my Voice.

I wanted to write this today to acknowledge Heather, her impact on me, my self-worth, and how by doing so she has helped me as a Mom, a partner to my own Cowboy, and as an Artist.  In a world where sometimes the easiest thing to do is ignore our own pain by tearing another person down...I wanted more than ever to lift someone up.

I Love you, Heather.  And Thank You.

"You Shall Be Heard"

You Are Valid

Sharing my work on line is one of the most rewarding things in my life.  Not only because the actual selling of my work supports me and my children, but the act of connecting with people through my work can be so powerful, and sometimes, can even change my life.

Last week I received a note from a woman who saw my two self-portraits, "Unleashed" and  "Draw Forth".  She explained...

"I am going through a rather complicated breakup and these speak to me. Both the calm resignation in 'Draw Forth' and the hurt and rage in 'Unleashed'. Seeing these emotions external to myself has helped to put some things in perspective"

"Draw Forth"

"Unleashed"

This note meant so much to me.  Just a couple weeks ago, I was having a discussion with a fellow artist about what I was currently working on, and we started talking about work with a Message - social, personal, political, etc.  And he asked why I wasn't creating more work with a personal story.

My only explanation at the time was that for so long now, my thoughts and feeling rarely seem validated, and/or understood by some of the people in my life.  NOT ALL - just some.  But sometimes they are the people who have the biggest impact on my self-worth.

I don't want to get into specifics either, because I think there is a way to learn and share without throwing people "under the bus" so to speak.  It felt like there was a pattern in my life for so long, that if I wasn't comfortable in a situation or how something was going, I was told "well other people have it worse so don't complain", or if I changed my mind on something I was WRONG to change my mind. Or worse...wrong to have an opinion in the first place.

Changing your mind, wanting something more out of a relationship, having thoughts and opinions that might differ from someone else, these are all VALID.  Valid things to go through in your day to day life.  If you are surrounded by people who challenge those feelings, belittle them, or cut you out of your life because of them, that is THEIR short-coming, not yours.

So what do you do in this kind of situation?  First of all, you become a better listener, which I am thankful to say that I am.  Because, truly, that is what I want sometimes, too - to be really listened to. Not have my feelings dismissed or belittled or challenged.  So that is the first thing I am going to put out there into the universe - my willingness to listen to my friend's, children's, and loved one's feelings, and always let them know that they are valid.

Secondly, I need to listen to myself.  I need to stop letting someone who is bigger than me or who is stronger than me or who makes more money than me or who is simply louder than me (which is not many people) decide which of my feelings are "right" or "wrong".

So let's get back to my point:  this woman's note really meant something to me, because she saw a message in my work, interpreted it for herself, and learned from it.  I don't know if there is a higher compliment that I can receive as an artist, or a human being.  I am so thankful for that.  I am emboldened by her sentiment and finding a lot of personal strength because of it.  I'm inspired to re-examine pieces that I have abandoned or never even started because I had become afraid of expressing my thoughts and feelings.

THANK YOU to every one of you who follows my work because you relate to it, enjoy it, feel something when you look at it - even if it's just joy! - which is a valid response to art!  Thank You for listening.

Yoga for the Artist's Soul

I started my Yoga practice about two years ago, and I am continually grateful that I came to the Yoga practice when I did.  I needed the quiet, the introspective time, sometimes the opportunity to think deeply, to cry freely, to let things get worked out in class.  It was part yoga, part therapy.

I started yoga around the same time I realized that there was a deep problem in my marriage, mostly on my end.  My feelings had changed, my love had changed, and I didn't think I was ever going to be able to go back.  I had reached an exhausted point - I was physically and emotionally wiped out.  I felt I had nothing left to give.  I had stopped decorating for holidays, stopped doing fun things with my kids, stopped reading, stopped trying to make new foods.  I was just...done.  And I hated that feeling.

On the surface, very few people could tell anything was wrong.  There were a couple poor souls who were subjected to my almost weekly phone calls, filled with tears and heartache, trying to figure out what I should do.  I kept teaching class, kept working out, kept painting.  Hardly anyone knew I moved out until several months after it happened.

It's been over a year since I moved out, just about one year since all the papers were signed.  Yet, this has been the most difficult month so far.

I'm starting to come to terms with one of the biggest factors that led to the demise of my marriage, and in fact, the thing that keeps coming up in most of my relationships.

My problem is that I try to make people happy because in turn I wait for them to make me happy.

It's not as simple as "I made you dinner now tomorrow you make me dinner", or "I bought you a new shirt now you go and buy me a new shirt".  It was giving in a lot of little ways, every day.  I enjoyed making the foods that my family loved, I enjoyed sending birthday cards and gifts like clockwork, I enjoyed keeping a clean home.  There were days when from sun up to sun down, it was just me, doing things for my kids, doing things for my husband, and never having anything done for me in return.

This is where I am sure many of you are saying "Well wasn't your husband out working so you COULD stay home with your kids? In-grateful bitch!"  "Don't you call paying the bills DOING something for you?!"  OK.  Fine.  I get that.  You don't know the whole story.  And I was a wife, not a servant.

(It happened in other relationships, too, but I am not going to create a laundry list of "I did this yet they didn't do that".)

Just sharing how my mind worked for most of the day, every day:  How can I make ____ happy? - for every person in my life.  And it wasn't just about giving...it was about who I was, how I was trying to make other people happy in the way I lived my life, instead of living a life that made me happy.  I thought "If I am the person they want me to be, they will get involved...they will love me back"  when all that did was make me miserable, and it did not get them involved.

I realize that I stopped enjoying just giving to people.  Giving little gifts, giving extra hugs, giving homemade food, giving any little thing, just because.  Giving turned into a desperation.  I was in desperate need of...connecting.  I was desperate for my happiness to matter to someone. I was desperately hoping for reciprocity.

I am not saying that people did not CARE.  I was feeling alone, isolated, forgotten, taken advantage of.  I was not being my authentic self, either.  Sometimes people just don't realize it's happening, or that this is how I felt.  I was out of sight, out of mind, for most people.  And, truly, I know we are all busy people.

(I do not want to sound like nobody did anything for me, ever...there were nice things done for me sometimes. And sometimes, it was so unexpected, and I was so out of practice accepting something thoughtful, that I would be shocked into tears)

But I was letting a lack of connection with my husband create a desperate need in myself for SOMEONE to care.  And I tried to get that by doing whatever I could for anyone else in my life.  And, eventually, I realized that this was the wrong way to go about it, because the only thing that was happening was that I was making myself miserable.  I was not making myself happy.

So here's where I finally come back to yoga.

Today in class, my instructor had the class pair off, so that we could practice Thai Massage on each other.  As we massaged each other's feet and took turns rubbing shoulders, he repeated several times "Giving and Receiving are the same thing.  This is a two way process."

I'm sure everyone interprets quotes and anecdotes and lessons in different ways, but for me, I had to get back to what giving USED to mean to me: that I was showing someone love, that I was showing someone I cared, that I found JOY in making those around me happy.  I had to start finding the JOY in giving, rather than give as a desperate attempt to have someone else do something to bring me a bit of happiness.

Which brings me to the second part of today's lesson.

Paraphrasing my fabulous instructor, he reminded us that "breathing is the key.  It is how we react to the moments in life that define us, not the moments themselves.  Breathe about it.  Don't react to it".

So...learning about where I am and how I got here... I have terrible reactions.  A lot.  I react with guns full blazing to a lot of little moments.  I am slowly realizing, though, that it has very little to do with that particularly difficult moment, and a lot more to do with my own happiness.

Now I must admit - I think the phrase"you are in charge of your own happiness" gets used as a cop-out by some people when they do not want to take any responsibility for how they can make other people feel.  Intentionally or not, if you hurt someone's feelings, you don't turn to that person and say "well I'm not here to make you happy.  That's your own job".  

I know that it is my job to seek out the relationships in my life that feed my soul.  I know it is my job to let go of those that don't.  I know it's my job to nourish my art, because my art makes me happy.  I know it's my privilege to raise two amazing, healthy, smart, funny kids, and that it is truly a joy to do so.  I know what I wear, what I eat, where I go, how I dance, should all make me happy...not fit the mold of what I *think* will please someone else enough to want me in their lives.

I need to get back to giving because I WANT to give.  I have to get back to doting on my children while realizing - they are just kids.  Kids who are self involved and not yet capable of reciprocity. 

For a little while, I was thinking to myself "you need to stop doing things for people.  It just doesn't work".

And you know what?  That thought made me miserable.  I love doing things for the people I care about.  I need to stop doing things for people as a deposit on future return, though - I need to treat giving like it is receiving.  End of story.  I give, I get joy.  Done. 

It's been a tough year, and a very difficult month.  I am thankful for my art, my time in my studio, which truly is my joy, and my therapy.  There have been many tear-filled nights holding a brush, trying to work through difficult passages in a painting while also trying to comprehend all of these emotions.  But...you know...progress is being made.  See? I got my handstand...well...almost...soon enough I won't need the wall :)

Yoga is a practice.  Art is a practice.  I am so thankful that I am learning these lessons, whether it's the first time or the tenth time.  I am grateful.  And...becoming happy. 

Inspired By Game of Thrones - Portrait Practice - Master Luwin played by Donald Sumpter

Someone who shall remain nameless got me sucked into Game of Thrones.  So for the last three months I chain watched episodes and caught up to season 4.  I was one of - apparently - 8 million people who turned in on Sunday night to start Season 5.

From the very first scene in the series, I was enamored of the lighting and the costumes.  I am horrible with names, my attention span isn't what it used to be, and darn it!  I have to stay caught up in my Words with Friends Games!  But all the world stops when I watch GoT.

So far I have done three portraits, and I'll share this one first - Maester Luwin from Winterfell, played by Donald Sumpter.

One of the aspects I am working on in my paintings is my tendency to paint very "hot" - too much red and orange in my skin tones (we can debate if that's a good or bad thing later...I just want to try and paint in a cooler palette, experiment with the color)  So I loved the color of Maester Lewin, especially in this scene where he is teaching Bran about Westeros in the episode "The Wolf and the Lion".

I started with very cool, dark, transparent colors to block in the face.

I then started to block in some of the flesh on the face.  I realized - when taking photos - that my camera (ok iphone) tends to make everything look warmer - more red - than in "real life".  So that could be one of my problems - when painting from photographs the reds are too strong.

Anyway, I purposefully only used cool colors on my palette - the "warmest" color was transparent red oxide.  

Because the scene was filmed in an outdoor cool light, the flesh had a cool feeling, very icy blue, everywhere except his ear.  That is the only spot I used any cadmium orange and red.  It was a nice contrast to the predominantly cool painting.

I took great care to try and capture what Mr. Sumpter brought to the role of Maester Luwin - the incredible warmth partnered with deep wisdom.  I have incredible respect for these marvelous actors, and everyone on the Game of Thrones team...they are all artists.

The painting is done on an oil primed linen, that had a previous life as another painting, and was then recovered with oil based primer.  I intentionally leave some texture along the edges, a little peak of the history of the surface.  This portrait is 11" x 14".

2015 Juried Art Exhibitions

Two portraits were selected by esteemed juror Michael Shane Neal  for the 2015 Portrait Society of Atlanta Winter Exhibition.  The show will take place at the LONA gallery in Lawrenceville December 31st - January 29th.

"The Agronomist", painted for the DaVinci Wine Storyteller Experience

and "My Heart, Away"

I also have two portraits selected for the Women Painters of the Southeast 4th Annual Juried Exhibition at the Blue Ridge Arts Center April 3rd to May 1st 2015.

"Portrait of a Florentine Tourist"

"Dauntless"

Glow: The Auction of the Woodstock Vignettes

In just a couple of weeks, the largest group of paintings I have ever created will be divided up, and head off to new homes.  It’s a bittersweet moment for any artist to say “good bye” to just one painting, let alone almost 40 all at once, TheWoodstock Vignettes.

As an artist, one of the biggest compliments I can receive from someone is “You've inspired me”.  It could be a student, a collector, or just an admirer.  My great hope with this group of paintings is that I have inspired more people to believe in, and support, the dream of the Elm Street Cultural ArtsVillage.

The Elm Street Cultural Arts Village will embrace all aspects of creativity, from the visual arts to the theater, the musical stage to the culinary arts.  Whatever you are passionate about, whatever feeds your spirit, you will find an aspect of it that can be nurtured through this endeavor.

The painting Auction, “Glow”, will take place on the Event Green on September 20th.  Live jazz music from Tayrn and the Wednesday Trio, hors d’oeuvres from one of your favorite downtown restaurants, a cash bar, entertainment from our fabulous Emcee and Elm Street Theater actor Joe Lemmo will all come together under the huge tents.

The money raised by the auction of the Woodstock Vignettes Paintings will benefit the restoration of the Reeves Home: the future site of an Art Gallery, art classrooms, and studio spaces.

Renditions of the Reeves House Renovation

Registration is required for this special event, as seating is limited. Please visit www.elmstreetarts.org/glow/   by September 12th to purchase tickets.

Follow the Woodstock Vignettes on Facebook at facebook.com/woodstockvignettes for special preview nights and more information and how you can be part of supporting the Elm Street Cultural Arts Village.

Portrait Society of Atlanta - Spring 2014 Juried Exhibition of Members

I am very honored and excited that two of my portrait painting were juried by Rose Frantzen into the Spring 2014 Portrait Society of Atlanta Juried Exhibition of Members.   The exhibition opens Friday, August 22nd at Roswell Visual Arts Center.

A Few Recent Original Art Sales on Etsy

I am thrilled to see some of my favorite pieces are off to new homes in the past couple of months.  Saying "good bye" to some of these has motivated me to create some new work!

Pastel drawing from the live model on dark blue paper.  More original pastel drawings available.

Original pastel drawing from the live model.  I love that 70's green fabric!  More original pastel drawings from the live model are for sale.

This was one of my favorite paintings for a long time.  The monochromatic pink color scheme was based on a beautiful photograph of some delicate pink roses.  More original oil paintings are available.

I love working with pastels on colored paper!  The fuchsia pink jumped from this olive green paper.  More original pastel figure drawings from the live model are here. 

Two watercolor sketches from the live male model.  They are a combination of purples and browns.  I love working from the live model, finding and losing shapes in the chest and abdomen as the model breathes.  More original watercolors are in my Etsy shop.

Current and Upcoming Shows and Exhibitions

Hello dear friends and followers...I am so sorry to have neglected my blog for so long!

But I am back with lots of good news to share so let's get to it!

Back in December I was lucky enough to paint a young man I met through my yoga studio.  Not only did I get a great portrait out of the experience, but I made a new friend, as we chatted and laughed and bonded during the painting session.

My original plan was to paint a simple head shot, 16" x 20" portrait.  But my model had other ideas in mind!  he wandered around my studio looking for props, and settled on a skull...but removed the jaw.

So we set up a pose and I pulled out a 18" x 36" inch canvas to accommodate his portrait, his hand and the skull

I got quite far in our three hours together, but further refined the piece using reference photos

I was very honored that this piece was selected for the 2014 LaGrange National Exhibition.  It was beyond thrilling to find out that the museum decided to purchase this painting, which I titled "Cessation of the Mind", for their permanent collection.

I'm also honored to be a newly juried member of the Women Painters of the Southeast, and to have two pieces in their 2014 member's Show

"A Step Back"

"Mona in Turquoise Scarf"

The show will be held at the Magnolia Art Gallery in Greensboro GA March 28th through April 15th.

For the fourth consecutive year I am proud to be part of one of the biggest and fastest growing Art Exhibitions in the area - the Cumming First United Methodist Church Festival of the Arts.  This year three pieces were juried into the show

"A Gentle Soul"

"Anna"

"A Deceptive Calm"

I am consistently impressed with the size and scope of this show, and the entire program throughout the two week run celebrates Art and Music.  Be sure to check the schedule and attend one of the wonderful concerts when you visit the show.

The show runs from march 22nd though April 6th.

New Drawings for Sale

Every few months I look around my studio and realize I have been spending WAY too much time drawing and painting and not nearly enough time selling my work.  The selling part is a necessary part of the art process...how else can I afford to buy guacamole at the taqueria across the street from my studio if I don't sell my work?!?  (The accompanying margarita that makes it's way into the rotation once a week ain't going to pay for itself, either!)

So I am finally finding myself catching up!  I have recently listed a bunch of charcoal drawings in my Etsy shop.  Browse...enjoy...shop...feed my avocado addiction...

View all of my original drawings on sale on Etsy!

Painting with Casey Baugh

Last week was the third week that I got to watch and learn from modern master Casey Baugh.  And I am still learning from this man!  He did some awesome demos, showing off some new techniques, and even using different brushes than the last time we worked together.  I posted some of the highlights on my Studio 81 Facebook Page.

So here are a few of the paintings I did in between adjusting spotlights, fetching fabric, filling jars of thinner, changing radio stations, stocking water bottles, and helping out in any way I could :)

I'm most pleased with the top two - I actually really enjoyed the back view on top.  She held the pose beautifully, including the draped hands, and the light on her shoulder was very subtle. The palette in the second one was minimal, and therefor the focus was easily kept on her face.  The bottom two are a little too saturated, and forced.  I don't think I was relaxed!!! But good practice none the less :)  I'm already looking forward to Casey's next class in June 2014.

Portrait of a Redhead

I'm not going to lie to you.  This painting was painful.  I started pretty enthusiastically - I mean what's not to get excited about?  A beautiful picture with great lighting of a pretty girl wearing my FAVORITE color (purple BTW) and I get to PAINT it.  Nothing wrong with that!

So I started out by working from the photo in black and white - there was so much fun color to play with I felt I needed to just look at the light and get all the proportions and composition right.

I am working on oil primed cotton (for those of you keeping track!) First wash has blues and blacks with thinner.

I had a break in between painting sessions so the black was nice and dry when I went back and blocked in some local color.  

I blocked in the darkest darks - not really trying to get the right chroma, but the correct value.  

As I worked, the areas I addressed became smaller - face, shoulder, etc.

Continued to work into the details, such as the hands and the jewelry.  While I was happy with it overall, I never really thought the length of the neck was right, and I kept going back and forth with her jawline.  

At this point I almost called it "finished" - but the look on her face wasn't quite right.  She was more pensive in the source photo, and here she looked angry.

I was very happy with the hands and the purple shirt.

But the face was just not quite right yet.

So I scraped off the face and started working on it again.  For about 12 hours.  Paint was completely scraped off several times.  I was hitting a wall, I couldn't "see" the issues anymore, there was no progress being made (this is where you feel sorry for me...go on!)

Finally, I was getting closer.  The nose is actually now where the eye on the right used to be.  The jaw is slightly turned up, tilting her head a little.  I softened the eye on the left.

I adjusted the edge of her cheekbone too many times to think about.  Finally, it was much much better.

The adjustments to her head ended up pushing the composition a little closer to the top of the page than I had originally intended, but I think it still works.  

I am grateful to have the opportunity to work on so many portraits in a row lately.  Although I never feel like I have enough time in the studio, as I look at a group of paintings I can really see where my strengths and weaknesses lie.  I'm enjoying one amazing journey in front of my easel!